Sunday, December 26, 2010

Worst Christmas Ever

I'm 24 years old and I still look forward to opening presents with my brothers. Maybe it's because my parents never bought Christmas presents for us or even set up a tree. I never minded receiving no gifts for the holidays, but how my mom treated me during the holidays will always be burned in my memories.

I don't have a good relationship with my mom. In fact, our relationship is horrible. I've never disrespected her, talked back to her, or acted rudely towards her. Even now, as much as I resent her, I ask for forgiveness and wish that I could erase the resentment in my heart. The truth is, I've always wanted a mom who was loving and supportive. What I grew up with was someone who was selfish, immature, and constantly needed to be taken care of. In short, I grew up with a psycho. Once, when I was washing dishes (7th grade), she didn't like how I was washing them and after she cursed and yelled at me, and made fun of my appearance, I started to cry. She became really angry, took a pair of scissors, and lunged at me. She chopped off one side of my long hair and yes, I went to school with lopsided hair. I remember these incidents clearly.

Every year I open presents with my brothers on Christmas at our parents' house. While we were unwrapping gifts, my mom was going on an on about how she didn't need to buy any gifts for us because we were not outsiders. Weeks before, I told her that it didn't matter how cheap the gift was (she is worse than frugal) as long as she gave us something meaningful, or at least wrap it and pretend it was a gift. I bought gifts for both my mom and dad and not surprisingly, they had a good time unwrapping their presents. It's a shame they didn't let us experience that same feeling. I asked them not to give us money, but of course they threw some bills into an envelope and thrusted them at us. They think all we want is material possessions when I could care less about the money. It's the thought and effort that goes into gift-giving that they don't understand.

My mom gets highly irritable, grouchy, and sometimes violent during holidays, birthdays, or any day we seem to be happy. She picks fights with me and never with my brothers. My boyfriend gave my parents presents this year and she unwrapped it, delighted at having received a gift. Then she says,"give this back to him, he didn't personally give this to me and didn't come to my house so I don't want it." I ignored her, but she pushes forward. "How come he doesn't come here anymore? What, he's too good for us? He's rude..what, he's not your boyfriend anymore?" so you can tell where this is headed. Whenever she starts one of her verbally abusive rants, we all try to hide. I didn't respond to her and she stops. I was disappointed because earlier in the month she said she was going to buy gifts for us this Christmas. She stopped the rant and started on the excuses. "I didn't have time to go buy gifts, plus why waste the money..." I noticed a present addressed to my boyfriend and me, but when she saw my name on it, she told my brother to re-tag it and take my name off of the gift. Earlier in the week I was sick and she kept calling relentlessly, even though I told her I was really sick and could barely talk with my sore throat. I tried to stay there as long as I could in order to spend more time with my brothers. These visits are always painful and takes a toll on me. Later in the day she finally pushed me over the edge by saying "come here, sit down you need to talk. You've been lying I know what you're hiding only you know what you do" and I snapped. I packed up my things and headed out the door. She told me I'm not welcome there anymore and I said, "fuck you bitch." I told her to go to hell as I got into my car and tears started coming down. There was one time in my life when I had had enough of her and didn't talk to her for 3 months, and she begged for my attention. She even played the guilt card..(I gave birth to you so you have no right to ignore me). I promised myself tonight was the last night I would talk to her, and tonight was the last night she would ever make me cry. I know there are a lot of daughters out there with psychotic mothers and I'm sorry. We don't deserve them. We deserve better and I'm not going to feel sorry for her anymore. She made me cry on Christmas. What kind of mother does that? The kind that chops off your hair with scissors for no reason.

I hope you had a better Christmas than I did. I am thankful I at least have my 2 brothers and boyfriend for support every now and then. Happy Holidays